Today I walked through my bedroom, only to glance up at the wall once again and see my dry-erase calendar titled “August”. Week after week I walk past it, with best intentions of erasing it and filling in this month’s schedule. The reason I don’t: no time.
I cannot believe that it is not August anymore, it’s already November– a few months from a whole new year.
I think of all the things I wanted to accomplish/still need to do and it’s enough to resurface my anxiety. Even now, almost halfway through my last year of college, I recall things I thought would have done, places I would have gone, and people I would have done them with. Why didn’t I? Four years went by that fast?
This semester has been way busier than I expected it to be. I imagined breezing through my classes, lining up a job by mid-semester, and coasting through the rest of the year, really enjoying myself. But here it is now, November, my calendar reads August, I have items on my to-do list from two months ago, no job lined up, and it’s all I can do to eat three meals a day and get seven hours of sleep at night. I digress, most of these tasks that fill my day are necessary: school, work, small group, countless group projects. But where have I stepped back and made time for, let alone thought about, the lasting things.. things that will still matter six months from now? When do I realize the moments I’m missing that cannot be relived, that I cannot get back?
Last night, George and I went on a date for the first time since probably this summer. Like I said, between our school, my work, his football– it’s been crazy. A few weeks ago we were looking ahead on our calendars, realized this week was less busy in school and other activities, and set a date. As this week approached we had things come up, antagonizing that time, but it meant a lot to us so we fought for it. And let me tell you.. well worth it.
We wore nice clothes, as in, nicer-than-we-wear-to-church clothes. We went to an actual restaurant with an actual wait staff, rather than picking something up in a paper bag on our way to the library. We laughed and talked over many delicious courses. We strolled through the park, even though it was after dark, to relieve our full bellies and enjoy the warm November weather. We recalled how we had both been giddy, even feeling butterflies, when getting ready for the night.
Such sweetness, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
But how often is that not exactly what I do? I trade it for the world rather than fighting for it.
As each day starts new, I have a new to-do list but where on that list do I ever make time or space?
So caught up in the frivolous, I forget what truly makes me happy:
Alone time with the Lord.
Running, biking, getting outside.
Good conversation with a friend.
If only I could live in the revelry of those moments like last night, not wanting them to end. I feel like I suffer from short-term memory loss in that I have these incredible experiences when I just rest or get outside or journal but then 24-hours later my actions confirm that filling my time with something else will be more fulfilling.
I write this at a loss. Yes Lord, I want that. I want those moments, that time, but where is it? Where in my schedule do I pencil in “rest”?
It’s so crippling to unplug, it’s so deafening to sit in the silence, it’s so shameful to say “no” to something.
But if I truly believe that Jesus is greater, that there is strength in the rest, that there is urgency in the need for space– I can make it happen. It can be done.
This blog is my challenge to myself and others to become. To continue making strides and taking shape of what we are working to become.
And I want to become one that makes time, one that is comfortable residing in silence, being alone with my thoughts and with the Lord.
So little by little, let us become.